Between Google having a near monopoly on the browser through Chrome and Chromium, crypto bros trying to hijack the web's infrastructure so they can turn it into a pay-to-participate, environment destroying ponzi-scheme to inflate the cost of their gross monkey jpgs, and the massive amount of surveillance capitalism that coats all major sites in a gunk of privacy invasions, its fair to say the modern web fucking sucks.
Why you may ask? It's simple.
You hear me?
The amount of fully function adults I know whose browsers tab bars look like the blades of the turbo pump for the Space Shuttle Main Engine with the amount of tiny, incomprehensible tabs with favicons is astounding. Like what the fucking shit.
"B...B...But I have things in there I don't want to lose! I'll never be able to get back there again!
"No seriously! This is really important! Its *insert some inconsequential garbage here* and I constantly need it available because *insert some contrived reason here*!
If its so important that you're doing the equivalent of writing every semi-important idea on your forehead in sharpie every morning, please,Consider the following:
I mean fuck, on iOS you can even have Safari automatically close tabs after a certain amount of time, automatically. Ain't that some shit huh. (I don't know about other browsers, but there's no reason to use any of them on iOS since they're all using Webkit under the hood anyways)
You go to Settings > Safari > Scroll down to the tabs section > Close Tabs and pick the interval.
There's probably some equivalent on Android, but that OS is such a fucking mess it wouldn't surprise me if you have to load up ADB, root your device, install some wack fork of Android you found on /g/, open the development menu, and sacrifice a goat to the ghost of Linus Torvalds just to get the option.
The only times it's acceptable to have more than 5 or 6 tabs open is if you're doing research of some kind. If you're not:
You need to close your damn tabs. If you're doing something like the aforementioned activities and want to take a break, use something like Safari Tab Groups to save your collection of tabs so you can clear up your browser a bit. I'm sure other browsers support something like it, but I'm too tired to go look it up like I did before. BUT IF YOU DON'T EVENTUALLY CLOSE THEM, I'll be angry.
Live your life the way you want to. I'm just trying to help.
Be the little tab goblin you've always wanted to be. You found a cool bespoke Eeveelution sticker on Etsy? Fucking radical, just throw it with the thirty million other tabs you have open, you Smaug looking motherfucker.
Eventually, you'll have so many tabs open, the sheer weight of them is going to compress the ones you haven't touched since 2014 so much, that a fucking oil deposit is going to form, and the United States is going to invade your browser to steal that shit spread democracy.
Ok, so you have come to the error of your ways. You want get control of your life and start closing tabs. I know you might be scared it might take a while. But don't worry, closing tabs is fast.
Wow! That was super fast huh. Now go on, do it some more. Close those tabs. Be your own boss.
If you couldn't tell, this is satire, a joke. A big 'ol laugh. Don't take it seriously. For real, it's your life, live it to the fullest. I actually don't care how you use your browser.
This was inspired by the ever funny bettermotherfuckingwebsite.com.